I wish I had the answers now. I wish I could know that it's going to be okay. But I don't know. I don't know what God has in store. And I wish I could tell my fiance what it was. He's looking to me for answers that I don't have. All I can do is trust that God will make the answer clear to us soon, either way it has to be.
This has been a rough week. A lot of distance, a lot of deep conversation. A lot of talking about God. Because I came clean to my fiance the other night that I see the major difference, our motivation in life, our faith, is going to be an issue. It already is. I've been torn between him and God and I can't continue to do it because it is tearing me apart.
He knows. He knows the truth of God. But he needs to take that step to salvation. Today we had another long back and forth. I asked him if he could just pray tonight and if nothing was holding him back, that he just ask for God's grace. Surprisingly he said he would be up for going to church tomorrow. So I think we are going to do that. But really, we have to pull the band-aid off soon. We have to make a decision if we are going to go on or not. All I know is that this situation has really scarred us, has defeated us, has exhausted us. We love each other and don't want to say goodbye to what we've built together. But I can no longer be miserable. And really, it means either he gets saved and decides he wants to live for God or we break up.
I keep thinking of all the people I'm going to disappoint if we break up. In no way obviously would that be a reason for us to stay together. I need to do what I need to do for myself and most importantly God. But if God could just touch him and reach him in a way only He can, I could jump full on into this relationship and plan the wedding I want. And be with the man I love who loves God. But this only if it's God's will. If not, I know He something better ahead. I just wish I didn't have to rip apart so many people's hearts in the process, including ours.
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