I want to jump out of my skin tonight. I want to scream. I want to run away forever and just start over without the staring eyes, the questions, the guilt that I'm battling with and horribly losing to.
I'm never going to be happy until I am free to live for God, for what He wants in my life. But I'm so damn weak that I can't say a sentence that could fix it all for me. That could get my life right. What am I afraid of?
Hurting him and messing up his life.
Starting over without him.
Breaking the news to everyone, especially my mom.
But what's worse? All of that or feeling this overwhelming sadness. I'm crippling myself. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm lying to the world. No, I'm not excited or happy about this wedding. The thought of continuing on with it gives me massive anxiety.
And the thing is, I know I KNOW, God will provide for me and bless me when I re-commit my life to Him. So why can't I do it? Why can't I just take that step?
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