Halfway There

So without getting too specific, last night I told my fiance that I was scared and having second thoughts about what we are doing.  That I was desperately afraid that we are making a mistake.

He wasn't quite on the same page.  While he recognized that there were some things that could be better, he told me he believed the positives outweighed the negatives.  I think I made it pretty clear I just wasn't feeling that lately.  I mean, I've been a royal mess.  So he's out of town this week and we decided that we would just not talk for the next few days to clear our heads.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  He left around 7:30 and I went straight to bed and begged that something better would come from this.  Because I love him, I do.  And I would miss him so much.  And when he left he told me that although he would disappointed, he wouldn't want me to not be happy.  And that's exactly what I am.

Tomorrow I'm going to my parents and considering telling them that we are going through a rough patch and that there is a chance that it might not work.  Just so they have a little warning.  And so my mom just stops bugging me about this dreadful wedding.  Just lay it all out there.  I'm just so tired of having a crumbling wall up around them.

So this is my chance.  This is my chance to hear God's whisper of what to do next.  I think there's only option - it's my way out.  It's what I've wanted, right?  God, WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Please give me a break, please.  I know I don't deserve it because I straight up defied you that night 5.5 years ago.  And never fixed it.  But PLEASE, I beg you, HELP ME.  Give me strength to stand up for you because I have become so weak and defeated these last few years.  I know You don't want me to be this miserable and I know I have to stop hiding.  But why do I feel like I'm so alone?  I need You, I need You.  Please take this from me, TAKE IT!

"I can feel you breathing
I can feel you leading
More than just a feeling

I can you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Till the final healing
Everything completing

With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
I'm looking for you"