September 17, 2011

I've decided, and I pray so hard that I stick to it, that this Saturday is my day.  The day I get my life straight.  The day I do something about the thing that's been plaguing me for the last 5.5 years.

Because, you see, I started this blog and I started my counseling out as a way to discuss my 'family pressures' or my 'wedding stress', when both are just symptoms of my main problem: I can't go through marrying my fiance.

In my first blog post, I made it sound like I wasn't so sure about the whole unequally yoked rule, sin, whatever you want to call it.  I was hoping I could convince myself and everyone else that I wasn't making a bad decision.  But I'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit was begging me, pleading me to really think about what I was doing.  So much so that I've been just a disaster the last couple weeks, living in a fog and crying constantly.  I've lost myself along the way, I've lost the peace inside of me that I once had down so well.  I went to church a couple weeks ago and the sermon was about ridding yourself of things in life that prohibit you from being closer to God.  And with my fiance sitting right next to me, I knew it was him.  It was him and my guilt over being with him that was just tearing me apart.

Now, some reading this might think I'm a heartless wench for doing this to him.  For stringing him along, for hiding it.  Trust me, I've been on the outside looking in at some of these situations wondering 'how the heck can that person call off a wedding a week before?', 'Why did it take them so long to end their relationship?', 'How did they let it get that far?'  I can't explain it.  The constant pushing it away, the constant hoping and praying it would get better, hoping that my misery wasn't all in vain.  Until one day you just wake up and realize that you are so far deep, and so far lost, and can't go on living like there is nothing wrong.  I'm tired of putting on the happy face when I'm anything but.  I love my fiance so much.  And most of my sadness and distress is what I will be doing to him.  Because, honestly, I know I'll be okay.  I know God will provide for me.  But I don't know about him.

But ultimately, I have to do what's right by me and, most importantly, God.  I know He has greater plans for me that I just can't see right now.  And if He wants my fiance as one of His chosen, He'll break his heart down.  But if nothing significantly changes by Saturday, I'm moving forward with my decision to end this engagement.  Please pray for me because this will probably be one of the hardest things I've had to do.