Triggers

So as my 'About Me' says, I just started counseling and I got the idea to post about somewhat annonymously (except for what I'm sure is the privacy intrusion that is search by email but whatever).  This is my life, I've kept it inside for this long.  If someone I know finds it, so be it.

So here's a brief introduction to me, straight to the point:  I'm a Christian.  I'm engaged to a non-Christian.  I have an enormous overbearing family.  And my counselor has diagnosed me tonight as having mild depression and anxiety.

Let me clarify about my fiance - he's not non-Christian in the sense where he's a practicing Buddhist or something like that.  He may identify in "religion" as Christian but he is not saved, born again, or whatever you want to call it.  I could get into this in detail but I'll pass.  I rehashed the Christian/non-Christian unequally yoked debate in my mind over and over.  Go ahead and call  me out on it.  I won't deny that it's considered "wrong" to some Christians and I'm outwardly defying God.  I may agree with those Christians.  I'm not doing it as a revolt - there's way more to the story...as there always is.

My counselor specifically pointed out tonight that a lot of my anxiety seems comes from wanting to please my family while, at the same time, wanting to not to want to please my family.  If that makes sense.  She said that next week she wants to talk about what triggers the anxiety that I have.  So I'll start this post out with the ones I already know and then I may pop in from time to time this week adding more as they comes up.

So triggers of my anxiety:

• Having family parties
• Having my fiance outwardly indicate that he doesn't enjoy/want to go to my family parties
• Having my fiance act in a way toward my family that I feel may put him in a bad light
• Having my mother call me out on something I'm doing because she views it as "bad" because she doesn't like to do it and, therefore, neither should I (i.e. text on my phone)
• Having family constantly ask about my wedding
• Having my mother make back handed comments to me without even realizing...particularly since she gets that same treatment all the time from her mother
• Hearing my mom lose her shit when something doesn't go her way.
• Hearing the women in my family talk about how disgusting certain people are, how bad the world is, gossiping, etc.

So that's all I can think of now.  I'll keep you posted as more come to mind this week.  It's funny because I made a connection tonight in my brain that I hadn't made before.  I'll keep it to myself for now, maybe share with my counselor next week to see what she thinks.  But I felt a lot better about this session tonight than I did about my first time last week because I held my cool, didn't have a cry fest like last week.  And I felt more comfortable because I had been there before.  So, yeah, I have a little hope that talking about this finally to someone and to anyone else who happens across this blog helps.

-S