Triggers at Their Best

Well, the day before my next counselor appointment was the perfect example of triggers to my anxiety/depression.

I went my parents house to eat today with my fiance.  And it's just coming at me from all sides.  My fiance just does things that doesn't bother me perse but they bother me because of how it looks to my family.  He actually took his phone out at the fricking dinner table to check his fantasy baseball scores while my mom is on another soapbox about the government.  Now, I admit I pretty much tune out what she says, but don't take your phone out.  I actually pushed his hand which everyone saw and laughed about but still, I was so pissed.

Then my mom starts on me "So are you going to decided when your shower is going to be or are you going to wait long enough so you can't find a place to have it anymore?"  Mind you, my wedding is 14 months away which would make my shower a year off.  She acting like its the end of the world.  I'm sorry, I work, I have other things going on right now - why don't you call some places and find out for me?  Then she's pestering me about who's standing up in my wedding and how I have to tell my cousin in Italy right away so that she knows...AGAIN, it's 14 months away!  Gosh, if I'm going to have to deal with this for the next year, I'm going to go loco.

So what do I do?  Come home and start crying.  I'm so tired of feeling like this.  But I'll have plenty to cover in my session tomorrow.

Why Am I 5?

Does anxiety cause my irrational fear of thunderstorms?  Because I'm 28 years old and freaked out by the sound of thunder and sight of lightening.  It's slightly ridiculous.  Is that a trigger?  I don't know, it doesn't trigger my normal anxiety thoughts.  But it triggers me freaking out in my dark, dank basement or hiding under the covers so I won't see the flashes of lightening or calling my fiance in the middle of the night because I'm freaked the hell out.

Screw you, thunderstorms.

The Song That Almost Made Me Cry Today

My eyes are open wide

And by the way, I made it

Through the day

I watched the world outside

By the way, I'm leaving out

Today

I just saw Hayley's comet shooting

Said why you always running in place?

Even the man in the mood disappeared

Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother,

Tell my father

I've done the best I can

To make them realize

This is my life

I hope they understand

I'm not angry, I'm just saying...

Sometimes goodbye

Is a second chance.

Please don't cry one tear for me

I'm not afraid of what I have to say

This is my one and only voice

So listen close, it's only for today

Here's my chance.

This is my chance.

~Shinedown's "Second Chance"

Triggers

So as my 'About Me' says, I just started counseling and I got the idea to post about somewhat annonymously (except for what I'm sure is the privacy intrusion that is search by email but whatever).  This is my life, I've kept it inside for this long.  If someone I know finds it, so be it.

So here's a brief introduction to me, straight to the point:  I'm a Christian.  I'm engaged to a non-Christian.  I have an enormous overbearing family.  And my counselor has diagnosed me tonight as having mild depression and anxiety.

Let me clarify about my fiance - he's not non-Christian in the sense where he's a practicing Buddhist or something like that.  He may identify in "religion" as Christian but he is not saved, born again, or whatever you want to call it.  I could get into this in detail but I'll pass.  I rehashed the Christian/non-Christian unequally yoked debate in my mind over and over.  Go ahead and call  me out on it.  I won't deny that it's considered "wrong" to some Christians and I'm outwardly defying God.  I may agree with those Christians.  I'm not doing it as a revolt - there's way more to the story...as there always is.

My counselor specifically pointed out tonight that a lot of my anxiety seems comes from wanting to please my family while, at the same time, wanting to not to want to please my family.  If that makes sense.  She said that next week she wants to talk about what triggers the anxiety that I have.  So I'll start this post out with the ones I already know and then I may pop in from time to time this week adding more as they comes up.

So triggers of my anxiety:

• Having family parties
• Having my fiance outwardly indicate that he doesn't enjoy/want to go to my family parties
• Having my fiance act in a way toward my family that I feel may put him in a bad light
• Having my mother call me out on something I'm doing because she views it as "bad" because she doesn't like to do it and, therefore, neither should I (i.e. text on my phone)
• Having family constantly ask about my wedding
• Having my mother make back handed comments to me without even realizing...particularly since she gets that same treatment all the time from her mother
• Hearing my mom lose her shit when something doesn't go her way.
• Hearing the women in my family talk about how disgusting certain people are, how bad the world is, gossiping, etc.

So that's all I can think of now.  I'll keep you posted as more come to mind this week.  It's funny because I made a connection tonight in my brain that I hadn't made before.  I'll keep it to myself for now, maybe share with my counselor next week to see what she thinks.  But I felt a lot better about this session tonight than I did about my first time last week because I held my cool, didn't have a cry fest like last week.  And I felt more comfortable because I had been there before.  So, yeah, I have a little hope that talking about this finally to someone and to anyone else who happens across this blog helps.

-S